KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
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My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past