Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
You Might Also Like
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance