If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
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Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.