*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
You Might Also Like
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Life with a cat in one tweet
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Here’s a meme
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years