In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
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“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
nice challenge
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.