If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
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When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
work smarter, not harder
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.