My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
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First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.