Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
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They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Me :
All Day At Night
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.