The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
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You can’t outrun your problems…
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Cat is stressing him out.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).