Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
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the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!