“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.