PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
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Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I falcon love using swear birds
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Warm pools make me nervous.