There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
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It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.