I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
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Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I needed this laugh 馃槀馃槀馃槀
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they鈥檝e been. but in their absence. they鈥檒l be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
If you don鈥檛 kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
A near death experience but it鈥檚 just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir