Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
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The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.