My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
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YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Just so funny
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal