Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
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*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Every time.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.