First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
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How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.