It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
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Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*