If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
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[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.