“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
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I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.