ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
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I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house