HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
You Might Also Like
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.