“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
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Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
congratulations to them
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.