i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
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hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs