I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
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Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.