What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
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If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Happy weekend !
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Haha! 😂