[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
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How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.