It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
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My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born