This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
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To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Don’t forget to tip your server
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*