God has left this place
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Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case