A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
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“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.