Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
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“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Skills
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.