Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
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@funTweeters
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My first child will be named New Folder.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
they should invent a hydrating liquor
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first