Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
You Might Also Like
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist