My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
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is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.