“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
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*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
*pronounces fake like saké*
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”