A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
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date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
The pasta is now
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]