I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
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Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.