Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.