How I like cutting carbs
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[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?