[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
You Might Also Like
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”