[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
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Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
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