It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
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Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
We’ve come full circle
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.