If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
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Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS