it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
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ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.