Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
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This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
*puts cutlery down*
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…