Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
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“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me