I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
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‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer