Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
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office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I just love that new Pope smell.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free